caution: i have my period. i'm blowing everything wayyy out of proportion.
this is the time of the month when i wish i was a boy. i could go around having sporadic boners and breaking girls hearts--that's got to be a lot more fun than being the weepy, pissy, menstruating piece of crap that i feel like right now. oh yes, and i am 'heartbroken;' the high school word for not being able to eat or sleep or good five minutes without thinking about someone who broke up with you.
so i decided that i don't believe in boys. i mean, duh, they're real, i know that they exist, but i don't believe that they can possibly live up to the standards that i have set for them. i trust people too easily--nah, i think that i trusted the wrong person too easily. i mean, if a boy full out says, "jazzzzzieeee, i still love you," GOOD OL' TRUSTING ME is going to the believe them. my bad, i guess for actually taking your words at face value and, oops, believing them. but because he says he "loves" me, i expect things to be the same and they're not! i go to school everyday with the expectation of getting walked to class and macking in the hallways and all that fun stuff, but it doesn't happen and i get let down and it hurts to build myself back up because he always gives me hope that things will go back to normal. like, he'll call and it'll be just like old times; innuendos up the yin-yang and arguments over whose mother is better. but then the next day he won't call, and i'll be like, 'that kinda sucks but there's always tomorrow," and a few days will go by and i won't even talk to him in school-- I DON'T TALK TO HIM ANYMORE. there's like this big void in my day and all these extra words coming out of my mouth, because i didn't get a chance to use them like i usually do.
obviously, i am a tab bit angry with a person who i USED to go out with and randomly dumps me so he can get a better grade in mr. boulton's class. i guess i didn't know i was dating freaking theo huxtable. anyway, this person [who is a waste of sperm and not worthy of being called by his name, so he will now be referred to by the name 'sperm emission 532'] who swears up and down that he 'still loves me' [like, full on, alludes to us marrying and having kids and "do you want a kiss tomorrow?" which is something i always believe and never receive--AND KEEPS ASKING ME IF I'M GOING TO WAIT UNTIL MARRIAGE TO LOSE MY VIRGINITY--hello? doubleyoo tee eff. the only reason why a guy asks that is because he wants to know for his own good. and that's madd gross.] but duh, we broke up, so it's not the same as it was before, and he has these RETARDED friends that ask, "Yo, [sperm emission 532], is that your girlfriend?" and obviously, i'm not, so he usually says some bull about us being 'best friends' and it just hurts, goshdarnit! i never liked boys--well, who am i kidding? i always liked boys-- but i always tried to be logical as to not to get myself into a problem such as the one that i find myself in today. i'd always enjoy the chase, because after that, what's really the point of dating? i mean, you go on a few dates, make out every so often, have some fun times, but you eventually break up and someone gets hurt or pregnant. or both. so i kinda didn't really want to walk into the dating field, but as a fifteen year old junior, i'm already a freak, so i have to do something that's considered normal.
so i'm kinda mad. when we broke up, it was like, shock, denial, sadness, depression, laughter, pissed off, and acceptance. that was the first five minutes. but he made it sound like we're going to get back together, and it's going to be fireworks and hearts exploding and sitting next to each other in AP US II next year, but.. i don't know. i mean, i like him, i really do; i don't think it's even taken me this long to get over a person. but that's it--no one else does. everyone's like, "i never really sensed a connection between you guys anyway," "you'd be better with [some other guy]," and "i just don't like the kid; never did." so i'm wondering: is this advice i have to take? like, his little epiphany about needing to work hard in school [HOW THE HELL AM I DISTRACTING? I JUST DON'T GET IT.] manifested itself while he was in Jersey, and he told me that all these people [his parents, his teachers, the peeps in jersey] said that it's the time to focus on school, not on boyfriends and girlfriends and he thought that he should listen to them because all these different people were telling him the same thing. soo.. should i listen to all the people that are telling me to forget about him? like.. i'm not even sure it's really worth it. like, yes, i do tend to blow things out of proportion, but was it really necessary to try to push me up the stairs today? and the whole carly thing STILL makes me mad, because he did it to be funny. yes, sperm emission 532, it's always funny to crush a girls heart into a million little pieces.
what's making me really mad though is that i still take it. i stare at the phone and will him to call, i stay at my locker five minutes than i need to every morning in hopes that he'll come by; I JUST NEED TO STOP IT. i thought it'd help to get someone to distract me, but obv. it isn't, cause you end up using nice little freshmen as rebounds. so i'll write all this now, but tonight when i go to sleep, i'll cross my fingers and hold my breath, and i'll hope that he makes up for it tomorrow, because sadly, he wants to, he can be pretty amazing. so i'll spend twenty minutes thinking about him and an hour trying not to, and tomorrow i'll hope for the best but i'll receive the worst, and it'll all start back again on monday.
well, on sunday, because if either of us are anywhere near that coat room, i don't want to think about what will happen. I TOLD HIM THAT WE NEEDED TO ESTABLISH A SECRET HANDSHAKE SO OUR MOUTHS WILL STOP BEING MAGNETICALLY ATTRACTED TO EACH OTHERRR.