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jazmine. word.

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[Friday, June 20 @ 3:50pm]
so i just wanted to post some of the break up letter to my ex-boyfriend
who i'm still in love with
[which he never read by the way]
that i wrote about six months ago
and he still hasn't read it.
but we're still kinda going back and forth and he tells me that he loves me. often.
so i'm debating whether to show him.
anyway, i like the wide-eyed innocence i had then.

[Error: Irreparable invalid markup ('<lj-cut="you>') in entry. Owner must fix manually. Raw contents below.]

so i just wanted to post some of the break up letter to my ex-boyfriend
who i'm still in love with
[which he never read by the way]
that i wrote about six months ago
and he still hasn't read it.
but we're still kinda going back and forth and he tells me that he loves me. often.
so i'm debating whether to show him.
anyway, i like the wide-eyed innocence i had then.

<lj-cut="you are my sweetest downfall; i loved you first">

<center><font face=georgia><font size=6>Hellloooo… it is I, Jazmine, newfound spinster and very unhappy person indeed. Clearly, you are probably very busy right now, probably fighting off all those girls <I>who want what I had</i>, but I just wrote this to, you know, schedule the necessary conclusion to an ending such as this one: <b>break up sex.</b> Just kidding, kind of. But I just wanted to say hi. And I know that yesterday, I was like, “Blahblahblah, I don’t want to be your friend,” but I was thinking… <i>it’s going to be really difficult to live without you.</i> Not, like, chugging vodka and taking sleeping pills sort of way, but all day, I felt like <u>something was missing</u>, like, this small but integral part of me. Like my heel or something. Try walking with no heel one day.
<b>I don't imagine it's very easy.</b>

I tried to be all deep and metaphorical and brilliant like you, and I realized falling in love is like<b> learning to walk</b>. Falling in love with you, anyway. Like, you know, when you’re a little kid and you’re just learning to walk and everything’s going great for about two steps [or, say, five weeks] and then you fall, but then you get back up again because you assume that, <i>hey, you fell already, <B>so things can’t get much worse,</b></i> but nope, you fall again and you’re pissed that you didn’t learn. So then, eventually, you get off of your feet after a lot of crying [and long conversations and freshmen and Yalies and other random crap] but now you’re all scared that you’ll fall again so you walk with your arms out in front of you so that you can catch yourself if you fall, because you sure as heck aren’t going to depend on gravity anymore. That’s what it was like for a while with you, <b>not trusting you very much.</b> And yeah, even though you bump into stuff along the way and quite possibly trip over your feet, eventually, you’re glad that you learned how to walk, appreciative of the experience, regardless of how difficult it was to do. And even as you grow up and you start to learn how to skip, how to run, how to jump, how to strut down a catwalk or do the moonwalk or chicken noodle soup or whatever, you realize that you couldn’t have done any of that without first learning how to walk. <b>Thanks for teaching me how to walk.</b>

And you know, for the longest time, after we got back together in November, I was afraid that I wasn’t really in love with you, because I always thought that <b>love</b> had to be this big, overwhelming feeling that makes you smile all the time and doodle hearts on everything you see and to always hear the birds singing and to never argue, and God knows that that didn’t apply to us. But I learned that love isn’t that stupid googly feeling, or at least, it doesn’t have to be, and that real love manifests itself in other ways than butterflies in the pit of one’s stomach. <b>Love is more than this state of perpetual happiness</b>; it’s arguing and fighting and crying and compromise; tolerance and trust and faith and hope and broken rules and exceptions and asterisks at the bottom and pretty much every reason in the world as to why I didn’t completely lose my mind at those times when your fidelity was questioned, because <i><b>I love you. </i></b>

comments are &hearts;</center>

100 good reasons why it's fantastic to be single. [Thursday, March 6 @ 2:46pm]
[ mood | single ]

  1. Time to write lists like these. Instead of, I don't know, HANGING OUT WITH A BOYFRIEND.
is this what it's like to have a crush on someone?
cause if so, THIS IS WEIRD.

[Friday, February 29 @ 10:32pm]
so instead of researching freaking ROMANIA for MUN tomorrow [romania? honestly? wtf ROMANIA?!] i'm writing in this thing. woot.
hmm so lets see what's going on in my life. wellllll... yesterday i came home from school/ECA/yale [SENIOR AUDITIONS WERE YESTERDAY GAHHH I WAS SO FRIGHTENED BUT EVERYONE SAID I DID WELL BUT STILLLLL] i passed out so i couldn't go to sleep, so i kept drifting to and fro sleepyland. so i wake up at 4:56 this morning, and i fall back asleep. at six o'clock, my alarm rings. i get up.

and then i remember.

let's just say javis either has really weird looking balls and an invisible penis OR he has a vagina.

okay so um.
what the hell is wrong with me.
what the freak kind of dream is that? we were arguing over his stomach hairs and he said he got them waxed and i didn't believe him so he pulled up his shirt and then pulled down his pants to illustrate his point.
gahhhh and the worst part is, I KNOW IT'S NOT LIKE THAT. [the hands never forget.]


so today. i get to school, still scarred. in homeroom i get called to the library, and they needed toddchelle, so i go get her and she randomly gets all uber-bitchy with me. um, no. homie don't play that, ESPECIALLY now. douchebag. i spent the remainder of spanish doing my homework for us history. second period was aiiiiight; SPED kids have stinky breath sometimes. i was supposed to present my freaking author thingy in third, but leshawna/kerr/lakita had such a dmn loong presentation, gee golly. fourth period we had a quiz. fifth period... wtf how am i suddenly friends with all the boys in that class? me and tyquan and the kid that sits next to him alwas have nice conversations. moses had me in such a position that neither of my feet touched the ground again. that kid who suddenly decided that i'm his wife skipped, which was okay, because i don't enjoy arbitrary marriage proposals during school, kthx. er... sixth period was aiiiiight. i can't believe i DATED gerald lynn ewing, jr. UGH GROSS. then i left school and went to barnes and noble and was bored outta my cranium; i quite enjoy the notion that my father thinks i'm downtown doing drug runs or hooking up with random yalies between school and YMUN--psyche. what bothers me is that i've done that before... ugh. let's forget my indiscretions, kthx. well anyway. there's a MUN conference tomorrow in nueva york. if there's anything i learned out YMUN, all the kids there will be nerdy [well, this is a public school thing--so a good 25%] and if you're a nerd and walking porn [a la france], it's alllllll good. and if there's ANYTHING i learned from javis, new york is the prime place to hook up with someone. now, if only i had a boyfriend of about three months who was in love with me....

[Thursday, February 28 @ 9:44pm]
i keep forgetting that i have this thing.
hm. lets see, lets se.. what to write about.

school is school. four months til freedom, playa!!!
i still don't have an even remotely interesting life. except for in my dreams. which have been pretty weird lately, because last week i had this dream about javis in which he and i were in my dorm room at stiles and his life skills teacher called her student up to her desk and taught him her colors and her brain fell out.

a] that's GROSS. if you knew what that meant, you'd be YAKKING YOUR BRAINS OUT.
c] we have really effective extended metaphors, though. =]

i guess that's what you get when you talk to your ex boyfriend at three AM.
swiftly moving on.

i have no male romantic interest, which usually fuels my life and my journal entries. ALAS, there's a Model UN conference this weekend, and you know how i am with those =] so hopefully i'll find another cute delegate to hook up with without finding out his name. ooooooer. <3

but other than that? um. i'm getting fatter. not good. senior piece auditions were today, which were okay i guess, but my audition piece was really simple and still people fxed it up. so yeah. i got mostly the dancers i wanted [EXCEPT FOR CHLOE AHHHHH!] so hopefully willie won't ruin everything and i'll have a good piece.

and hahaha, in leaving my yale class today, this guy goes to me, "so how did you end up in THIS class? i'm a second semester and i'm taking this clas on a pass/fail because it's HARD." hahahaha those kids with SAT scores in the 90 percentile. gotta love them.

[Saturday, February 23 @ 8:56pm]
so i decided it's about time to start updating this thing,
mainly because if i'm going to live this life, i might as well remember it twenty years from now when nuclear war is impending and we're all going to die and i have a spare five minutes to google my name.


okay the end. good night.
p.s. dear future jazmine, if you read this and having no idea what the aforementioned arbitrary word was about, go watch living single. kthx.

Writer's Block: It's Hard to Describe [Sunday, February 17 @ 6:03pm]
What is one thing you struggle to describe?

[Thursday, December 13 @ 3:24pm]
i have a request for you guys.
i need a new ringtone for my boyfriend,
yet a song entitled,
"hi-you're-a-douchebag-who-isn't-ready-for-a-committed-relationship-and-although-i-am-completely-cognizant-of-that-i-still-love-you" doesn't exist.
can anyone think of songs/quotes about trust or anything? thankiesss.

the flowers.Collapse )

[Monday, August 13 @ 7:33pm]
[ mood | distressed ]

when did it become cool to be an idiot?

blehh everyone's telling me not to deal with it, but maybe i want to? CORRECTION: i don't want to deal with it, per se, but i want to deal with him.


[Saturday, August 11 @ 4:49pm]
[ mood | curious ]

back from yale.
i can't survive without the dining hall's eggs.
oh, and my friends and our 30982308749826982496378 memories.
but there's some boy keeping me going.
and so i love him.

okay the end. =)


[Wednesday, June 20 @ 7:11pm]
[ mood | blank ]

for once in my life, i have someone who needs me.Collapse )</center>


[Wednesday, June 20 @ 6:56pm]
9th wonder.Collapse )

[Wednesday, May 30 @ 6:43pm]
went to forensic science.
got inducted into the NSHS.
ate like a pig.
went to lunch; ate nothing.
tried to find a reason not to go to english,
went to english.
ECA bus with javis.
caperoira class.
yale orientation for high school students.
TT & Mema are here! =]

fun day.
v. tired.


i know i just updated like 10 minutes ago.. [Wednesday, May 9 @ 8:11pm]
[ mood | discontent ]

what the puckkkk.

right now i feel like asdfghjkl;'weouero l¬u o9  589r0 fkfojm

like that only worse.

goshdarnit. he HAD to call me yesterday and the day before. he HAD to end that streak. i was FINALLY getting FREAKING comfortable with being FREAKING IGNORED but noooooooooooooooooooooooooo.

i need a life. terribly.


[Monday, May 7 @ 7:55pm]

first period.
i don't remember. i'm sure we did something. i had a chocolate bunny for breakfast.

second period.
i detest pre-calculus. and why does everyone freaking call me becky?! MY NAME IS JAZMINE.

third period.
um. i really don't know.

fourth period.

fifth period.
boulton won't be here tomorrow! YES.

"first of all, i DO NOT have a vagina..." ahhh. why did i like him   do i like him   did i like him do  i like him forget it. but if brandon asks me scary questions like that again...
and WHY does everyone think i'm taking gerald to prom? even tabitha thinks so. you think after knowing someone six years you'd KNOW who they'd want to take to freaking prom... anyway. not taking gerald. he'll probably be too busy getting that head reduction surgery.

urgh. radio show.

today was eventful. NOT. i want it to be summerrrr.

[Saturday, May 5 @ 4:48pm]
it's kinda weird...

having all this spare time on my hands. you know, like, NOT being on the phone every five seconds. not that i care. just saying.

okay the end.

[Friday, May 4 @ 9:39pm]
so i'm wondering.

what's up for summer?

ms. moore, the dopest teacher since mrs. henderson and ms. wade, is trying to get me a law internship which is pretty amazingggg. and if i get it, i will be indebted to her my entire life. i don't know, once i make it as a big lawyer, i'll buy her a nice car or something.

but yeah. i also applied for this residental program at yale and i'll get to live there for a month if i get in. which is pretty ill, even though i live fifteen minutes away. but still. no sisters. so if God decides to take pity on me and give me an amazing summer, i'll do the law internship 'til july, do the yale thing till mid-august, and go back to interning. which basically leaves no free time for me to go and have fun; not like i do it anyway. but the question arises: what about big head? i mean, we're supposedly on a break 'til summer, but right now, i'm having a little difficulty seeing that. as of two weeks ago, we are supposed to be taking AP US II together next year and make out in front of the classroom. as of recent, i haven't talked to him full-on in about a week. which is.. weird. because i don't think that, since we started talking on the phone six months ago, we've even gone without such a long duration of time without phone conversations. but i digress. i think that a bigish reason of why we broke up was because he thought that we "never saw each other." whatever, not even going to acknowledge that stupidity. but if i'm busy all summer, and he's going to jamaica for a month [ridiculously jealoussss!!], then we're going to uber-not see each other. which really isn't such a problem for me, but boys are stupid and he'd probably be pissed. which is dandy.

so. what are we going to do? like, i think that if we didn't get back "together" [and i use that use loosely, because we were basically best friends who happened to make out all the time] over the summer, i'd be kinda disappointed, but not really, like, sad or anything. i'd just be kinda pissed that he told me all these wonderful things we were going to do over the summer, after he got all his stuff straightened out and whatnot, and then he's like, "you know what? i think we're better off as friends." which would really be a horrible thing to do--- we've been unofficially betrothed for like the past ten years [at least, in MY house]. but like, dude, who wants to date someone at their convenience? like, what if we do get back together and when school starts again, AP US II or boulton's class is a little too hard, and he suggests we take a break again. come on. i'm not going to stand around when he decides that i'm a little too inconvenient--WTF? HOW AM I DISTRACTING FROM HIS SCHOOLWORK? i mean, we don't talk on the phone much any more and he never walks me to class--sob sob, tear tear. do you honestly think that he's using that time to focus on his schoolwork? NO. i have no idea what he's doing, but i do know that we're going to have a nice talk at the end of the school year. picture it: let's pretend that pigs fly, the sky falls, mc hammer has a new hit record, and gerald and i get married. [yecch.] is he going to be like, "honey, my JANITORIAL job is a bit too stressful--can we get a divorce for the next six months so i can get my life back together? maybe, in a couple of months, i'll move up to fries, and life will be great!" hahaNO. whilst i am on wall street [well, actually,  the united nations is in united nations plaza--surprise, surprise.], gerald can stay in new haven in da hood and be a freaking entrepeneur. at mickey d's. burger king [is closer.]
jazmine is a limited time offer, okay? YOUR COUPON JUST EXPIRED.

skymoonsunstars: debating
skymoonsunstars: about big head.
PJMurrell05: wuts there to debate about?
skymoonsunstars: well. we're supposed to get back together over the summer.
skymoonsunstars: that is, if he asks me.
PJMurrell05: and?
skymoonsunstars: but who wants to date at someone's convenience?
skymoonsunstars: like, if he thinks that his us history class is too hard, i dont want him to dump me again.
PJMurrell05: well tell him dat
skymoonsunstars: well, i dont wanna be like, "your jazmine coupon is about to expire. DECIDE BITCHHH."
skymoonsunstars: but idk.
PJMurrell05: wow
PJMurrell05: well say it in a nice way
skymoonsunstars: this is not a 'being nice' situation.
skymoonsunstars: and i dont even know how to be nice.
PJMurrell05: yesu do
skymoonsunstars: nahh g. i don't.
PJMurrell05: sumtimes
skymoonsunstars: yeah well.
skymoonsunstars: idk what to say.
PJMurrell05: tell him wut u told me
skymoonsunstars: that i'm a limited time offer?
skymoonsunstars: I'M NOT FRUIT LESHAWNA. it's just a clever metaphor!!
PJMurrell05: well find a better way to say it den
skymoonsunstars: grr i'm not good at words. not at speaking.
skymoonsunstars: i can write anything down, but i dont want to be like, "here's an agreement outlining our relationship. sign here, and here, and here."
skymoonsunstars: it's not set.


[Friday, May 4 @ 2:37pm]
so today i decided that i'm:

so school was okay. forensic science is gheyyy. along with precalculus and us history. spanish is koo [no l], english is retarded, and lunch is always fun.

i need to book a prom date. literally, book. i am NOT finding myself screwed over in may of next year. no way joseph.

v. sore. dance was all randomly stretchy yesterday. woke up with a charliehorse. then new kid chris kept poking me or something and freakinggggg gerald jumped on my back after fifth. lovely. haha yesterday i told my homeroom teacher that i was celebrating a month being dumped [i always tell everyone everything], and she's like, "oh, from that boy across the hall? you're better off without him." and i'm like HELLO DUH. but today, i went to my locker to get my pre-calculus book, and i was thisclose to the door and i was walking in and all of a sudden i hear "JAZZZZZIEEEEEEEE." and it was gerald and i let out this biggg sigh and rolled my eyes and i turned around and was all chipper and like, "Hello!" and she started cracking up. she's nice. i like her. she's not a loser, as most teachers in the freaking school. MISTER BOULTON.

we have sunchipsssss. word.

[Thursday, May 3 @ 9:39pm]
today was aight, i suppose.

us history is boring, like always. we watched the alamo, big whoop. spanish, i forgot to do boulton's essay, which kinda sucked, but i'm being inducted into the national spanish honor society, which is cool, counting on the fact that i DON'T KNOW SPANISH. but whatever. english was stupiddd; i can't wait until this year is over. i'm really hoping nelken is better. lunch, FREAKING STEVEN kept yelling at me to go kiss whats-his-face, and obviously i didn't. oh yeah it's
my one month anniversary of being dumpedddd. =]
and i was like, "gerald, do you know what day it is?" and he didn't so i didn't tell him. then sabba finally did and just gives me this look. and i was like, "sorry for being nostalgic and reminiscent and having two X chromosomes and REMEMBERING EVERYTHING." it's tragic, i do remember everything but it's not like i made a big deal, like i came into school crying or anything. that was sooo last month ago.

on the bus to eca, it was only me, rashard, and javis. we talked mad junk about westville and college and yale and radio show. and leshawna and shanoya called me and they were complaining to me that the bus left them, but as their defense, they were saying that she left too early. likeee.. wtf. at the beginning of the school year, they were the ones bs-ing about how she needs to leave later, to drive off at 12:30, but when she does, they have a problem. shayona was saying how she leaves right when the bell rings, but the bell rings at 12:27, and she leaves three minutes later.. and they were like, "the people who don't leave class early are going to miss the bus because it takes time to get down there," which is great that she's thinking of them and everything, but she sits in front of the door to leave for the bus for half an hour so she shouldn't miss it nearly as much as she does. and leshawna said the same thing, but it's like, "no one wants to wait for you to finish making out with yourr boyfriend to get on the bus at 12:35. no one cares." RIDICULOUS. and eca was pretty wack, like always. girls are so stupid.

anddd me and john allen were supposed to go to the movies on sunday but he's grounded now so we can't so now i have nothinggggg to do this weekend, at all. and NO, I'M NOT GOING OVER GERALD'S HOUSE, goshdarnit!

but whateverrrrr. i'm out like shout.

[Monday, April 30 @ 6:18pm]
life is pretty swell. not. life kinda sucks.

the new highlight of my life is radio show at eca, where's there's more beef between the visual artists and dancers than biggie and tupac. because of that, i wrote a dancer rap. something about willie's thong. whatevz.

skateboard steve get out of my livejournal.
and they're HIGHLIGHTERS. NOT vibrators. loser!

a mouth of metal with a heart of gold. [Thursday, April 26 @ 9:11pm]
[ mood | indescribable ]

caution: i have my period. i'm blowing everything wayyy out of proportion.

this is the time of the month when i wish i was a boy. i could go around having sporadic boners and breaking girls hearts--that's got to be a lot more fun than being the weepy, pissy, menstruating piece of crap that i feel like right now. oh yes, and i am 'heartbroken;' the high school word for not being able to eat or sleep or good five minutes without thinking about someone who broke up with you.

so i decided that i don't believe in boys. i mean, duh, they're real, i know that they exist, but i don't believe that they can possibly live up to the standards that i have set for them. i trust people too easily--nah, i think that i trusted the wrong person too easily. i mean, if a boy full out says, "jazzzzzieeee, i still love you," GOOD OL' TRUSTING ME is going to the believe them. my bad, i guess for actually taking your words at face value and, oops, believing them. but because he says he "loves" me, i expect things to be the same and they're not! i go to school everyday with the expectation of getting walked to class and macking in the hallways and all that fun stuff, but it doesn't happen and i get let down and it hurts to build myself back up because he always gives me hope that things will go back to normal. like, he'll call and it'll be just like old times; innuendos up the yin-yang and arguments over whose mother is better. but then the next day he won't call, and i'll be like, 'that kinda sucks but there's always tomorrow," and a few days will go by and i won't even talk to him in school-- I DON'T TALK TO HIM ANYMORE. there's like this big void in my day and all these extra words coming out of my mouth, because i didn't get a chance to use them like i usually do.

obviously, i am a tab bit angry with a person who i USED to go out with and randomly dumps me so he can get a better grade in mr. boulton's class. i guess i didn't know i was dating freaking theo huxtable. anyway, this person [who is a waste of sperm and not worthy of being called by his name, so he will now be referred to by the name 'sperm emission 532'] who swears up and down that he 'still loves me' [like, full on, alludes to us marrying and having kids and "do you want a kiss tomorrow?" which is something i always believe and never receive--AND KEEPS ASKING ME IF I'M GOING TO WAIT UNTIL MARRIAGE TO LOSE MY VIRGINITY--hello? doubleyoo tee eff. the only reason why a guy asks that is because he wants to know for his own good. and that's madd gross.] but duh, we broke up, so it's not the same as it was before, and he has these RETARDED friends that ask, "Yo, [sperm emission 532], is that your girlfriend?" and obviously, i'm not, so he usually says some bull about us being 'best friends' and it just hurts, goshdarnit! i never liked boys--well, who am i kidding? i always liked boys-- but i always tried to be logical as to not to get myself into a problem such as the one that i find myself in today. i'd always enjoy the chase, because after that, what's really the point of dating? i mean, you go on a few dates, make out every so often, have some fun times, but you eventually break up and someone gets hurt or pregnant. or both. so i kinda didn't really want to walk into the dating field, but as a fifteen year old junior, i'm already a freak, so i have to do something that's considered normal.

so i'm kinda mad. when we broke up, it was like, shock, denial, sadness, depression, laughter, pissed off, and acceptance. that was the first five minutes. but he made it sound like we're going to get back together, and it's going to be fireworks and hearts exploding and sitting next to each other in AP US II next year, but.. i don't know. i mean, i like him, i really do; i don't think it's even taken me this long to get over a person. but that's it--no one else does. everyone's like, "i never really sensed a connection between you guys anyway," "you'd be better with [some other guy]," and "i just don't like the kid; never did." so i'm wondering: is this advice i have to take? like, his little epiphany about needing to work hard in school [HOW THE HELL AM I DISTRACTING? I JUST DON'T GET IT.] manifested itself while he was in Jersey, and he told me that all these people [his parents, his teachers, the peeps in jersey] said that it's the time to focus on school, not on boyfriends and girlfriends and he thought that he should listen to them because all these different people were telling him the same thing. soo.. should i listen to all the people that are telling me to forget about him? like.. i'm not even sure it's really worth it. like, yes, i do tend to blow things out of proportion, but was it really necessary to try to push me up the stairs today? and the whole carly thing STILL makes me mad, because he did it to be funny. yes, sperm emission 532, it's always funny to crush a girls heart into a million little pieces.

what's making me really mad though is that i still take it. i stare at the phone and will him to call, i stay at my locker five minutes than i need to every morning in hopes that he'll come by; I JUST NEED TO STOP IT. i thought it'd help to get someone to distract me, but obv. it isn't, cause you end up using nice little freshmen as rebounds. so i'll write all this now, but tonight when i go to sleep, i'll cross my fingers and hold my breath, and i'll hope that he makes up for it tomorrow, because sadly, he wants to, he can be pretty amazing. so i'll spend twenty minutes thinking about him and an hour trying not to, and tomorrow i'll hope for the best but i'll receive the worst, and it'll all start back again on monday.

well, on sunday, because if either of us are anywhere near that coat room, i don't want to think about what will happen. I TOLD HIM THAT WE NEEDED TO ESTABLISH A SECRET HANDSHAKE SO OUR MOUTHS WILL STOP BEING MAGNETICALLY ATTRACTED TO EACH OTHERRR.


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